My inspiration for writing usually comes from stupid
situations I get myself into and anywhere between the M49 exit and the toll booths at the Severn Bridge. So half way along the M49 I thought you might like to know why I am the worlds shittest 23 year old female...
1 - I would rather run into a brick wall 200 times than go
to Ibiza on a clubbing holiday. Drum and base/house music (I don’t even know
what genre it is?) is my idea of absolute hell never mind pissed, sweaty people
getting in my space whilst dressed up as a sparkly Zebra.
2 - Whilst most girls my age spend hours a night watching
how to create the perfect contour on You Tube, my search title for a great
video is ‘funny bull dog’ followed by wasting way too much time on Pinterest
searching ‘beautiful bedroom’ or ‘DIY home tricks’.
3 - Just thinking about having a night out in a club makes
my skin itch. I can’t understand how sweat, overly loud music, getting drinks
spilt over you and disgusting men trying to ‘grind’ is anybody’s idea of fun?
Don’t get me wrong - I love a good night out with my girls but gone are the
days of enjoying that scene...it literally lasted three months when I was 17
and ended when I woke up naked in my
best friends bed alone whilst her boyfriend and her were asleep on the floor
(she wasn’t even out that night). Also, it’s never right if your favourite part
of the night is the kebab wrap at the end, whilst sat on a pavement
pretending to be drunk to make eating it look more acceptable.
4 - I would rather look like ‘Finding Nemo’ than
Kim Kardashian.
5 - If you bet me £50 to name you any Jay Z song you would
be £50 richer in seconds.
6 - I will never in my life have the desire to own a pair of
Christian Louboutin heels. I’ve never met anybody who says they’re comfortable
and I’ve seen every artistic shot possible on Instagram of the 'boy did good' red sole...
7 - The closest I will ever get to trying drugs would be
playing my dream role of Mimi Marquez in the musical RENT, and even then I’d
only be pretending to make a crack addict look hot. I was 16 when I was first
introduced to weed at a house party and my best friend Shelbs and I sat on the
wall crying because of the smell in our hair waiting for my mum to come and
collect us. Much like the time at a train
station a group of lads asked me if I knew where they could get some ‘gear’, I
told them to go to the information centre outside and that they
could probably find someone to help them there.
8 - If my top 25 recently played songs on I tunes isn’t 99%
contaminated with Musical Theatre then I’m ill.
9 - The fact that in the last two weeks our new Dyson
hoover, custom made blinds and brand new feather pillows have arrived excites
me more than any previous ASOS delivery.
10 - The hot girls you see minxing along the beach with
parts of string placed all around the body. What the fuck? Body from the angels
or not, how is it productive tanning by having half a boob on show and the top quarter
of your back exposed? Get me plain boring; suck me in all the right places
strapless bikini and I am good to sizzle.
I’m not boring I promise, I just like what I like and I am who
I am. I’m literally so not cool and no amount of trying to fit in the mould of what you
should be like at 23 has worked for me so far. Let’s hope I make it to my 100th
birthday like this little love below, because if I’m gonna smoke a spliff and drink Dom Perignon for breakfast it will most likely be then!
SLP x
